It has come to my attention lately that it is the end of the world as we know it. Customer service around the world is nearing extinction. In fact after getting off the phone with the cable company–I won’t name any names—(AT&T!*) it is evident to me that the two most common elements in the world are Hydrogen and Stupidity.
After my one hour conversation with who I will refer to as “Betty” my faith in mankind is faltering. You see, Betty is not really a person per say, Betty is an automated service. My time with Betty has grown in the last few weeks. The time that they disconnected my service at my house and then re-hooked it up at my house that I haven’t lived at in a few years was pretty memorable. Who could forget the time that they replaced my satellite TV with only infomercial channels? Mine and my dogs wardrobe has never been so “Snuggly” after that “services mishap”. The icing on the cake came today on a particularly feisty work day when all life lines depend on the Internet and mine was no where to be found.
Oh we have had some good times Betty and I; we laughed, we cried we down right bonded. And let me tell you we had some great conversations about things that I didn’t even know anything about!
“Welcome to “AT&T”. Please say ‘English’ or ‘Spanish’ to continue.”
“ENNNGLISH“
Please let us transfer you to that department….
(wait for it…)
“nigan moo goo gai ma long duck song” “ummm…YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” I shout into the phone because they are foreign therefore they are hard of hearing too.
“ni gan moo goo gai ma long duck song”
“I am not sure but I am pretty sure that phrase is on that silk-screen shirt I just bought. Lemmee see…..”
Seriously?
The fact that I just wasted 20 minutes out of my life to finally get to a live speaking person is beyond comprehension. Lost precious moments I could have been spending with Betty is quite discerning.
I call back.
“Welcome to ‘AT&T’ Please say ‘English’ or ‘Spanish’ to continue.”
This time I try my English accent. Betty loves an English Accent.
“ENNNGLESHHH” “How can I help you? You can say simple phrases like “Pay My Bill” or “Technical Difficulties”…” Betty drones on.
None off these cover my questions. I panic.
“You turned off my #$?!#$! service again for no rhyme or reason!”
“I think you said: ‘sign up for the NFL Season? Say Yes or No”
“NOOOOO! Listen to meeee!”
“Did you say GOAL TV?”
I look at my watch–another 20 minutes that I can NEVER get back out the window.
Curses Betty! One last shot.
I am a college graduate therefore I am smarter than Betty.
“Welcome to “AT&T”. Please say ‘English’ or ‘Spanish’ to continue.”
I mix it up this time with a southern drawl, nice and slow just like my girl Betty.
“Annnnglesh”
Before Betty even has a chance to give me options I start pushing numbers. Mostly ‘zero’ because that is the International Number for “HELP!”
Silence
Betty comes back on the line, “Thank you for your business. We are sorry to see you go but please visit us again in the future for competitive pricing and the new U-Verse Technology!”
What? Did we break up Betty??
“Oh for crap’s sake!” I yell into the phone.
“U-Verse Rates? Please hold while I transfer your call…”
Oh sweet Jesus…
Fine Print:
***For legal purposes and the hopes that my internet has now been fixed please note a phrase my lawyer recommended…(OK Law & Order):
“Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.”